Suramya Pokharel - December 15, 2023
You weren’t so special when I first saw you. You looked meek and unassuming. Your eyes appeared bland, your face expressionless. You never really stood out. So as logic would have it, you should never cross my mind let alone occupy it so. But what’s happened here? How have you become so special? How is it you keep my head in a frenzy at day and grace my dreams at night? How can I not stop thinking about you? How can I not stop smiling at your nuances? How can I not feel me burning every time you appear?
Look at you talk. It cracks me up at how adorable I find it. How you rapidly utter a few words, and then pause yourself when I didn’t get a thing you said. Do not stop sweetheart. I’m not interested in a single word you say. It’s just you who intrigues me so dearly. Keep talking, keep breathing, keep making some sound as you walk. That’s what fuels me to walk further. If you can, walk with me and keep walking. Walk until we circle the earth, and walk with me more. Walk with me till our feet feel the ground no more, and walk with me more. All the while, talk to me. Talk until each word is said, and talk to me more. Let me feel you, be it from a distance. Let me dive deep, be it in the swamps of your river. Let me take this all in. These are not the moments I can afford to lose.
You sure aren’t the brightest, are you? Can you not see how I dilute my eyes when I lock them with yours? Can you not hear how soft my voice turns when it calls your name? Can you not feel my diffidence around you? This is not how I usually am. Quite the contrary in fact, I’m vicious and obnoxious and impertinent. Why is it that you evoke such differing sentiments in me? I display to you my chivalry. My bravery. My courage. My patience. My composure. My ardor. My meticulousness. Have you ever seen me be this way with anyone else?
However, all this beauty, all this magic holds in its core a great tragedy, the worst in the world. Far worse than the great floods of Japan or the earthquakes of Nepal. Far worse than the plague of 1900s or the epidemics of the past. It’s a tragedy that you don’t belong with me. That you can’t belong with me. That I can’t lift your chin when they are down. That I can’t brush aside those tender strands of hair when they fall down every so often to your face. That I can’t hold you in a deep embrace when you’re scared and anxious. That I can’t grab your hands when you’re wary of crossing the road.
Let me take this all in anyways. The cold breeze striking my face. The tender sun creeping up the horizon. The stars on the sky twinkling still in the deep dark blue prior to dawn. The moon smiling away half covered by the blanket of Earth’s shadow. Hills giving way for the breeze to locate us. Mountains shielding us from the world of hurry. Clouds floating away beneath our feet. I urge you. Feel this tranquility surrounding us. Listen to the chirps of the birds. Listen to the hush of the blowing winds. Don’t you realize? You hold this all. All this would break down if you weren’t here.
The morning is too young for me to think about the day. The day shall be too warm to worry about the night. The night then, shall be too cold to sleep on. I know this. I know it very well. I know I shouldn’t be getting tangled in your threads. You are like the alcohol. I know it harms me. I know I should keep myself away from it. But you know what? I go and I drink it anyways. Look at me here. Every time it gets quiet, I can’t refrain myself from inviting you, almost in despair, to break this peace. Not because I can’t handle silence, but because I know this hour won’t return again. I have all life to savor these moments, I haven’t much time to listen to you and wrap myself around your words. So, speak your mind. Tell me your fears. Tell me your doubts. Tell me your heart. Tell me your life. And ask me. Ask me to take away your fears. Ask me to own your doubts. Ask me to fill your life. Oh baby, what would I not do if you’d just ask me.
I speak with such might, despite my utter inability to turn my gaze towards you. For what else would there be to look at when I’ve seen you. Once you are seen, you are everywhere. I see you on the mountains shining so brightly in the morning sun. I see you on the valleys deep below our hill. I see you in the ghosts of those who pass us by. I see you in the glee of birds hovering above us. I see you in the serenity of your flowy hairs. I see you in your cheerfulness towards the waking world. I see you in your propensity towards me. I see you in your unwillingness to admit that be it to yourself. I see you in your obliviousness of my intensity. How is it that my ambitions can fall short to the eyes that understand them not?
I think of what could be. But, I know what will be. I know every morning here on out, you shall come to me. I know every morning, I’ll have to push you away. I know every morning will be a challenge. I know I’ll have to win every morning. That is not where I should be. That is not where I belong. I should be with you. I belong with you. Only you. Let me take you away. Far away. To the land where no one knows us. Where every eye that locks ours is foreign. Where we don’t understand a single word they say. Where our cares fly away beyond time. Where you speak and I understand. Where I speak and you understand. Where every word drips with affection. Where we are the slaves to the rules we create. That our eyes shall always sparkle at the sight of each other. That our words shall always purify at the thoughts of each other. That our hearts shall always skip at the touch of each other. That our souls shall always merge at the union of our bodies.
But here we are. I can’t have you. You are not mine. You never were. You never will be. The only action left is to let you go. You’ll never know the pain I shall feel letting you go. There shall be countless poems written, you won’t know were written for you. There shall be countless songs sung, you won’t know were sung for you. When you ever feel lonely at night and step out to gaze at the night sky and see the north star, you’ll never know that someone exists far away who once saw your face twinkling on it. Heck, you won’t even know which the north star is.
Ours shall be the tree that never grew. Ours shall be the story that was never told.